I haven't really had my heart in blogging of late. What can you do.
I've realized something recently, though. I think I need to start writing fiction. "Living in" the kind of life that feels like a movie just isn't ever going to happen without harm to some around me, and sure annoyance at the sheer egotistical acts that I believe myself to be capable of. Put it in writing; let it lay there.
For example: I am intrigued by the idea of going to war. I don't think I should personally do it. Like Leonard Cohen, I'd be better off writing about it. Another idea: to live amorally, and flit from person to person, and break things off with people when they cease to be interested in me in that "new friend" kind of way. This is definitely not feasible, but I'd like to write about it. Another idea: saying whatever the hell I want to whoever I want. Another thing that wouldn't be good for me. Feel disrespected by someone? Come up with the most clever, nasty, ugly rhetorical utterance and say it to their face, then walk off. All of these ideas have something to do with my pet interests in hyperbole and melodrama, as well as dark comedy. For some reason I feel that the only area of eloquence for me is with going too far; being dangerous. Melodrama is an opportunity for the investigation of human passion. I am really beginning to think that the wider one's emotional experience has been, the deeper one feels pain and joy, lust and hatred, the more exciting life is. This is something better tested out with characters than me. And it would be an excellent way to market an epistolary novel marketed to middle aged women, though my understanding is that women want their male hero characters to have as little interiority as possible, like that scumbag fake g-d actor in The Wedding Date that my wife brought me to (I was somewhat drunk, luckily). That actor is Dermot Mulroney.
So I'm interested in excesses of power, emotion, violence, sex, and wild swings from exaltation to shame. Citizen Kane style, Napoleon style, Othello style. Every story is a tragedy, because those that ain't end with a wedding, and well, conclusiveness and stability are products of a bygone era.
But, I cannot yet rule out buying a motorcycle and riding it around the United States with a decent supply of drugs, preferably with a friend or two. That, I think, would be relatively harmless, and would definitely feel like something interesting, important, and living-what-it's-like-in-the-movies. Then hopefully I'd get killed by insane racist Southerners, in the Easy Rider mold, then have my writings on our age published posthumously to great fanfare.
Stendhal and Nietzsche lived posthumously, and so may we. --ADAM