So much anger, so much fear
Jess and I react to pressure and transitions differently. She shuts her emotions off from other people. It's said that women have a tendency to blame themselves for their troubles, while men blame others, or a situation.
Like any good American male, I turn to some form of outward action -- working out, writing, getting angry. Of course, the transition spoken of right now is moving to Minnesota, and I've got to do an MA exam, and find some sort of respectable job.
Lord help us....My entry below delved into a narrative voice that is, how do I put this, unseemly.
I did just schedule a counseling appointment, but I was forced in class today to point out to a student that chatting while I'm talking, or while other students are talking, and playing with one's cell phon is totally out of the question, and according to what I said on the second day of class, should result in an automatic "W" or withdrawn from the class. Perhaps I should have dropped this person. Sadly, you'd think that someone nineteen years old would be able to comport himself at a level beyond that of a middle school student.
My anger at this situation is not burning, as it once was a number of months ago, but I am very much done, with no oversight from the Writing Program, no real accountability given that this is my final semester, and I am soon to be far away. I guess things catch up with you. Probably better to not use the "f" word, which was the choice that I did take. However, I did put this young man "on notice." And his writing is unlikely to impress me at this point.
My experience here indicates why tenured professors are so often distant. They can't lose their jobs, are unhinged as to putting on a face of sincerity -- if they don't like somebody, they don't need to act like it's otherwise. If I hadn't dropped three deep three pointers in a row playing basketball right before class, perhaps I'd have felt less generous, and filled out the paperwork immediately after class.
My saving grace, as it were, is my second section, somehow miraculously filled with receptive young people. Oh how they put a smile on mine face.
Anger comes from a perceived lack of control. And the worst anger is when you actually lose control -- this is a feeling of deep regret and shame. In the future, I will be like Jesus' meek and poor in spirit, and know that I will inherit the Earth.
(Funny, nowhere in the Bible does Jesus write or
hold or lecture from, a book. In fact, he ridicules the
Pharisees, with their dogmatic reading of text.)