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schencka
Lorizapan -- Everybody's Drug; also: On CareerBuilder

I had a dream last night about a prescription medication called "Lorizapan." The drug is amazing -- it allows the quickest human decisions possible (i.e. below 0.2 seconds) as if the decision was extensively thought over, all of the implications considered. In other words, Lorizapan makes the decision that you'll need in the future, every single time, without a single mistake.

The only problem is that Lorizapan makes your head grow large. Really quite large. Like Barry Bonds.

  

Also, Lorizapan is highly addictive, yet the most effective brain-awareness drug ever made. People on Lorizapan shoot to the top of academic departments, law firms, hospitals, professional sports, and so on, but they are easy to spot, because of their large heads.

But how can these people not be promoted? They never make a single mistake, and perform physical tasks and decision making as fast and elegantly as humanly possible for hours on end.

Imagine LeBron James when he scored 25 points in a row in Game 5 against the Detroit Pistons. On Lorizapan, he would always play on that "on fire" level. Tiger Woods winning the Masters by eight. Bob Dylan writing Bringing It All Back Home, Highway 61 Revisited, and Blonde on Blonde in 1965-1966, year after year.

The dream that I had made me a graduate psychology/psychiatry student. A tall beautiful blonde, also in the department, had overdosed on the Lorizapan, and was laying down. She was diabolical in her imagination and will to find more of the drug. She took her clothes off, manipulating a different male student. She befriended him and made him a tool. I observed all of this aghast, and stepped outside the lab/records area for a moment. "What is this L-O-R stuff she's trying to find?" I said (she had been looking for a file of that lettering).

"Lorizapan," the professor said.

"What does it do?" I asked.

"Well, it improves decision-making and manual dexterity. On it, you make the right decision before you even know it. A lot of professors use it -- you can see them by their large heads, another effect of the drug," he said. "It makes Adderall look like ginger beer."

With this knowledge, I returned and explained to my male colleague, who was now playing catch with the naked female, that she was looking for Lorizapan, and then explained its properties. Once I convinced him, I asked the girl, "Do you want to put your clothes back on?"

-----

After a quick search, I realize that "Lorizapan" is an actual drug, marketed as "Ativan," and actually spelled lorazepam (lor A ze pam). The drug slows anxiety.

I got the idea for an effective drug with a horrible side effect from an interesting YouTube video on the antipsychotic "Zyprexa."

-----

On CareerBuilder:

Being without a job, and applying to try to get one, is humiliation enough.

Insult to injury: since I put my resume and contact information on CareerBuilder.com, I've been getting e-mails and phone calls about pretty shady jobs. Basically, people trying to get money by signing you up for selling something -- insurance, financial services, food, junky products. It all seems very Ponzi Scheme to me. Or at least all the "jobs" basically require you to accost people and try to sell them something.

So, laowai, if you're researching internet sentiment about CareerBuilder, mark this one down as "negative."

I did get one hit about a job, which I'm sort of unsure about, but beggars can't be choosers. It's teaching a review of high school English (a remedial English course) at Dunwoody College of Technology from July to August. I sure hope they pay their adjuncts more than $2,000 a semester.

So I'll apply. Hey, misterskank's Metropolitan Community College used to be "MetroTech," right?
 
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