I've been interested more in Oprah, botht the show and the figure. After the James Frey deal, Oprah is really hot, and I turned on the TV this afternoon to see Matthew McConoughey philosophizing about sexiness, celebrity and life in general. I liked much of what he had to say, especially about "walking someplace instead of driving." I knew after he started the conversation by joining Ophrah with a shot of tequila that somehow he would mention G-d or G-odliness in a nondenominational way.
Today I played basketball at Bear Down Gym. I wanted to do better and be a better teammate after Monday, which did not go well; I had gotten angry for some reason--pushing too hard. Today I had to guard the UofA athletics strength and conditioning coach, a bull of a man, and I let him have a few inside baskets. He just overpowered me. But I had the advantage on the perimeter, making a fair amount of jumpers. And the last laugh was mine. After he stopped me once at the top of the key, preventing a jumper, I passed off, then got the ball back, and shot a fall away three pointer, which snaked its way in to finish the game.
I've got some papers to get through. The thing about teaching is that it should get easier, but it does not. One has to be present when teaching, talking and grading papers--a lot of concentration. I don't know; I thought it would be easier. I find myself trying to develop motivation where it does not come naturally.
Grad school: last night I worked at BJ's instead of reading Weiland for my American lit seminar. I kind of wish I was with laowai in Austin reading 20th Century American novels instead of these ill-written early Gothic novels. People can talk about how "high" and "pop" culture shouldn't be an hierarchy till they're blue in the face, but some stuff is good, some stuff sucks. Early American literature is shallow, toxic and Puritanical. I'd rather be reading something that Bob Dylan would read, like Cannery Row, which he cited in a song.
Hmm. My D-I football dream may not actually happen. I now weigh 200 lbs., after a month of constant eating and lifting weights and supplementing with GNC stuff, which means I can put on roughly 10 lbs. a month. These things are possible: bench 350 (the chart says my current max is 280), squat 500 (my current max according to chart: 358), power clean 300 (maybe at 200 right now). But to what end? I still think writing a book about a D-I football experience would be awesome, and if I was devoted enough, I think I could manage to be on a special team or two, and get to travel to Berkeley and a bunch of Pac-10 schools I've never been to. I'm mulling.
Part of what drove me to the fantastical idea was anger within my marriage and restlessness in my life in general, but that's dissipated, partly because I've just given up on changing my wife's habits, although she's still trying to get me to do bullshit for which I have no responsibility doing. Like, "I broke the toilet seat. You drive half an hour to Target and buy a new one." Me: "No." It lies kaput. Then her money thing is getting even worse, because she has the mirage of money since she actually has a job. She has not mental capacity for any sort of cognition around anything monetary. I noted how she just bought a furniture set for $1800; by my count, that gives her these debts: $1800, $7000 on one credit card, $2500-3000 on her other one, and a possible $2000 bill for breaking the lease on our old apartment, which she insisted on like a hypochondriac hefer. Total: $13800 in high-interest debt. She makes, as I told my parents, "less than an Iowa high school teacher," which my friend Phil just became in Red Oak, Iowa, incidentally. The thing is, Jess's job is terminal, since the campaign ends this November, which is nine months. "What am I supposed to do?" I said to my parents. I'm thinking about telling them on our spring break trip to Salt Lake City (yes, I have the money to do it) that the Jess/Adam marriage is simply not sustainable, not because of any high passions or soap-opera drama--I luckily lost those a good long while ago--but because we figured out that we're different people. Seems like all she does nowadays is bitch at me. And for what? Me going to work out, making myself food and not her (she doesn't ever ask, but is always willing to complain), being on the computer. And it seems to me that all Jess does is stress, stress, stress about everything. She'll work all day, not physically taxing work at all, then veg out and sleep for twelve hours, with only lip service to an active lifestyle. I just perceive her to be sedentary--in mind and body--like someone with their feet in the concrete. She's a driver, chomping on her 55th piece of Nicorette of the day, driving her gas-guzzling pickup, dragging me to f'ing CostCo and Wal-Mart and other g-damn sites of oblivion, toward some undefined impersonal suburbian existence...I don't want a part of it. I want my spirit burning in the open air of the steppes.
Jess got pissed out me for being on this blog too much, and would be pissed that I'm sharing too much information. If someone can be frank in this community about AA, then I can say what I feel about my life, too.
Just heard McConoughey talk about how often he brushes his teeth--for white teeth. That's what I do. I brush my teeth after every meal; probably about five times a day. Just a quick brush.
Adam writes. --adam