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Famous People That Drink Puppy Blood

Humor post.

The worst epithet that Hunter S. Thompson (or was it Johnny Depp) could offer was when he said that Richard Nixon was a man so corrupt that he f*&% dogs.

That's bad. Worse, perhaps, could be the Wall St. barons and captains of American postindustrial capitalism who plunder the citizenry of our country for their corrupt lucre -- the men who make Crassus look like a faint-of-heart waif. These are the men who drink puppy blood, imbibing, slurping, quaffing gaily on the lifeblood of those most cute among us:



Who are these men, you ask?

Jamie Dimon



CEO of JP Morgan Chase and Co.; he is the main figure who helped make banks "too big to fail." Dimon's personal fortune is estimated at ... well, he's got too much damn money, I know that much. He has a sous chef prepare his puppy blood libations. A lifelong Democrat, he once offered a puppy blood chalice to Barack Obama, which El Presidente refused, but the shock pushed Obama to the right, perhaps permanently.

Bernie Madoff



He's somewhat of a tragic figure now, but how many Ponzi schemers are still living in the lap of luxury because the taxpayers bailed them out? Now that's he's lost his fortune and can no longer drink puppy blood, his unimaginably titanic greed has waned.

John Thain



CEO of Merrill Lynch, he nearly put the kibosh on the Merrill Lynch/Bank of America merger because of insufficient puppy blood bonuses for him and his team of corrupt fiends.

Lloyd Blankfein



CEO of Goldman Sachs, he told a reporter that making the maximum amount of money was "doing God's work." He wears contacts to hide his yellow eyes from the cruel light and caps over his teeth because his mouth has only canines. Because of this, Blankfein prefers opening up the aortic valves of his puppy victims with his carnivorous slash-bite.

Gordon Gekko



Oops, he's fictional. But he prefers the blood of smaller breeds, like chihuahuas, Corgis, and Shih Tzus. Gekko is actually not that ravenous compared to the previous puppy-drinkers.

Any puppy blood drinkers you think should be nominated?
 
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