Bad Advice: The French Know Revenge
From C.B.: I have been married for almost eight years, have two kids, and thought I had a pretty happy marriage. The problem? My husband recently came home from a conference, and, over time, I have found out that he spent every evening there with an old girlfriend, including a $300-plus dinner that he paid for with his personal credit card so I wouldn't see it!
He lied about various details (including that he knew in advance she'd be there, how much time he spent with her, how much the dinner cost). He claims nothing happened; I say, if there's smoke, there's fire. Any ideas?
First thing first: not only did your husband know that this woman was going to be at the conference, he went to the conference for the express reason that he would be there with her, away from you, for a depraved sexual-business fantasy. Likely they switched positions during sex and then screamed (or creamed) lustily, "Who's your boss?" I bet that got some good fucking action on. And let me utter another hypothetical: you, dear wife of eight years, would never think of doing something kinky in this way, dorky corporate manager role sex that it is. You probably haven't gotten on top of that guy and grinded up and down so hard and fast that you both might get hernias since 1997. After all, there was the kids, the groceries, the house cleaning, the concerns about money, the soccer and dance practices for the kids. God, you really meant to go work out and fire up your life and your sexual urges, but it just didn't happen. Must've been something; there must have been some reason for all this...
You know that your husband went on a weeklong business-and-kinky-sex (and $300 dinner!) trip, and that it was not with you. It was with some old bitch from his past that he didn't really like that much, but the sex was good. (She's probably some insane pinheaded human resources director.) He likes and loves you much more than her--he married you. He wants to be fucking you every which way, with kinky toys and role playing. Somehow you and he lost that in your marriage. What's the last time you initiated sex with him? How long have you been claiming to "have a headache" half the time and be "on your period" the other half, for a grand total of zilch sex?
The French know revenge, C.B. Your revenge will be long and drawn out, and will require months of hard work. You'll work out, change your wardrobe, learn how to tell your kids that you're too damn busy for their bitching. Then, after a couple months, you'll be sexy sexy sexy like you were when your husband asked you to marry him. And he'll still be wondering about the uptight H.R. bitch a little, and notice that you've been changing a bit, while when you walk into a restaurant and every man in the place can see and smell the pure sexiness on you. You'll be propositioned crossing the street, and if your husband doesn't notice you then, you'll invite over a 23-year-old muscular, tanned Adonis while your husband is on one of his "conferences." (I know that you know people with which to place your children.) Then you'll skim over the credit card charge report, and say, "Hmm, what was this $100 spent on flowers? And what was with this $50 champagne charge from the hotel?" And then he'll discover a used condom placed prominently in the bathroom trash. And then he'll realize, yes, he'll realize, that you are far more fuckable and sexy than that business tramp down the street.
--Adam S. writes "Bad Advice"

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